Just Add Milk

Breakfast, its the most important meal of the day. I know in my house when I get up at the crack of dawn, ready to spread my sexual deviance across all of gods creation, I pour myself a big bowl of Raisin Bran or Harvest Crunch or even Special K. I'll shove eggs bacon, ham, sausage, even some nice morning salmon, if possible, into my mouth. Waffles, crepes, pancakes, I'll eat anything put in front of my face, except, of course, Kellogg's Corn Flakes.

Its not the Flakes I take issue with. I mean they're a little bland and flavourless for my taste, but there isn't a whole lot offensive about the cereal itself. Is the Kellogg family I don't care for. 

The famous red logo on all the boxes is William Keith Kellogg's own signature. He and his brother John developed the american foodstuff during a time, according to http://www.kellogghistory.com/, that peoples "eating habits began shifting from heavy, fat-laden breakfasts to lighter, more grain-based meals." 

There is a lot of history in those corn-grain flakes. Young master William was quite the savvy business man. As his cereal empire grew William made his mark in the great stomach of history, while his brother John fell by the way side.

But, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, was an interesting man. He's responsible for coining the term sanatarium, to refer to mental institutions, he adopted over 40 children, was a skilled inventor,  and for a time was a prominent member of his church. 

More to the point of this article, he also authored a book entitled, "Plain Facts," which served as a health warning to help parents recognize the signs that their child suffered from all the awful side effects of the vile, immoral, scourge of masturbation.

"In my opinion, neither the plague, nor war, nor small-pox, nor similar diseases, have produced results so disastrous to humanity as the pernicious habit of onanism [jerking it]."

Indicators included pimples, underdeveloped breasts, sluggishness, and having functioning fucking human sex organs. Would you guess what one of Dr. Kellogg's main theories of the cause was? Its easy enough, poor diet and overly flavourful food.

So to combat the affliction, the Kelloggs invented Corn Flakes, originally called "Sanitas Nut Food." Afterwards, William would add sugar, repackage the cereal, leave his family church, the Seventh Day Adventists, who were also totally bat shit crazy, and become one of the most successful american business men never to graduate the 7th grade, until the 2 term election of George W. Bush that is.

Though after reading "Plain Facts," one discovers that diet was not the sole cure for playing on the devils clarinet, yes that's a direct metaphor. You learn of treatment, running from afternoon naps all the way to applying electricity directly to the region of "irritation." The worst of cases, which would of been me around the age of 15, would require "internal applications," or as it's called today, surgery.

This man was a doctor. A legal mental health professional, and is on record saying he never had sex with his wife and the more I research his life, the more I'm inclined to believe it. They slept in separate beds, everyday of their marriage. Had no children, and promoted crazy ideas like abstaining from alcohol and tobacco.

Here at THE DIRTY WORD, we're pro alcohol,  pro sex, pro masturbation, and anti electrodes attached to our genitals, non consensually anyway. I want everyone to know the history of what they're putting in their mouth, food or other wise, because you never know what asshole was using it for before you.