Freaky Fridays: Sounding

Welcome to the first, of hopefully many, Freaky Fridays and the end the first week of THE DIRTY WORD weblog. 

My overall plan is to make every Friday's topic about some misrepresented, misunderstood, incredibly bizarre, or plainly unknown kink, so if your squeamish, I'd just rest your eyes after Thursday's column, because its going to get pretty weird from here.

Really, go do something else.

We're going to end the work day with a subject that just sounds so incredibly agonizing, there is no way I could not discuss it publicly. 

Today's topic is the slightly intriguing, commonly frightening, sexual adventurism known as urethral sounding or urethral play. 

Its a delightful process, in which an item, usually a long stainless steel medical instrument, known as a sound, typically used by urologists, is inserted up the urethra. Doctors use these tools to stretch the urethra and locate possible obstructions. Not doctors, as we'll call them here, have found expressly different home uses for these objects.

Adamant sounding fetishists, usually males, use the tool for verity of reasons, with a whole multitude of different goals in mind, but all resulting in physical or mental sexual pleasure. 

The desired result seems to be to expand the tiny opening of the urethra, allowing increasingly larger toys to be inserted.

In men, deep penile penetration, can be used as a means of stimulating the prostate from within. Typically though, the act plays more into a submission or domination, power dynamic scenario. Having less to do with the physical sensations of the object being inserted and more to do with the control and, depending on your sexuality, the reversal of gender roles. A heterosexual man can go from being the fucker, to being the fuckee.

The pain involved, not to mention the visual aspect could also stimulate certain masochist's tastes.   

There are a verity of different type of sounds. Some shops offer custom work. While researching this article I read a man's story about his quest for a short hollow sound, he could wear all day, without removal, even during trips to the little deviants room. 

The selection for these devices only seems to end with imagination and physical limitations. The most popular and easy to find seem to be the "Van Buren," which sounds like a German furniture company, the "vibrating sound," and the "rosebud," which is a very thin metal tube, with a large egg shaped bullet at the end of it, used to "stimulate the inner lining of the urethra." The name also means I'll never be able to watch Citizen Kane without giggling. 

Everything discussed above has to do mostly with the male urethral play scene. There are sounds made just for women. They're shorter, and a different shape all together. Information on female  play is harder to come by and because the urethra is shorter, the risk for infection is greater. The best way to avoid this is by consulting a kink friendly doctor or experimenting with a trusted and experienced partner. Certain professional dominatrixes are well versed in urethral play, and are easily found if you have access to google. 

I hope this whole educational experience has been as emotional scaring as it has been for me. In the mean time I'm going to excuse myself from the office and try to remove a chop stick from my pee hole.

The Origin of Sex

Incredibly lonely zoologists have been questioning/bemoaning the fact that human beings can't reproduce asexually for generations. They might finally have the explanation to why, not to mention more material to jot down in their tear stained diaries, on a Friday night, while all the cool kids who decided to study micro-biology, score with all the hottest undergraduates at the party no one invited them to. 

A recent paper, written by a sultry, seductive, zoology professor at the University British Columbia, named Sarah Otto, was published in a July issue of a medical journal called "the American Naturalist." It addresses the possible evolutionary reasons why a majority of creatures on our planet reproduce using the complicated, inefficient, wasteful method of sex, when, from a scientific stand point, its simply easier to reproduce asexually. 

The report fortunately has nothing to do with the American Naturist (or nudist) movement , because despite my earlier statements, no one wants to see Sarah Otto naked.

"Reproducing without sex--like microbes, some plants and even a few reptiles--would seem like a better way to go. Every individual in an asexual species has the ability to reproduce on its own."

Well that might be so, but its also pretty fucking boring isn't it.

The really interesting part is that evolutionists really do struggle to explain an evolutionary reason for sex. To take it even further they even have trouble explaining the events that created gender. Its interesting to think that the most widely accepted scientific theory of life as we know it, doesn't have a consistent unanimous consensus on an explanation for one of the most fundamental differences between, not just human beings, but every creature, and a few plants, that procreate using sexual reproduction.

I am not a creationist. I think all the proof I ever need of Darwin's theories was taught to me when I was six and decided that all the fossils scattered across the planet hadn't been put there so god could test me. 

It was just a little shocking, when researching something so widely accepted, to find the gaps that separate a scientific theory from scientific fact so gapingly large.

Asexual reproduction on paper, seems like an easier more effective way to propagate a species. No searching for a compatible mate, no real trouble conceiving, and no need to buy anyone dinner first. Its quick and its clean and all your kids look exactly like you, and therein lies the key to Professor Otto's theory on the need for sex.

When an asexual animal, like certain worms (see August 24th's article for more on the growing LGBTQ worm community), reproduces, it births an exact copy of itself. A total clone, no different than its parent.

On the other hand when two creatures, like George and Barbara Bush get together and slide out a few kids they get hideous little troll dolls created by an almost random mixing of their genetics. Some are tall, some are short, and some are just retarded.

Evolutionarily this is an important difference. One colony of amoebae (as I just learnt is the plural of amoeba) has no differences, meaning they are all completely vulnerable to the exact same diseases, parasites, and infirmities.

Us fuckers, on the other hand, take traits from both parents, and create a similar, but distinctively different offspring. We take some of our parents weaknesses, and susceptibility, but also combine their immunities and strengths. 

"Sexual populations maintain stability, while asexual populations face extinction at the hands of parasites." 

Meaning we win, again, we're better then jelly fish.

The only real tragedy being that even though I might live longer and be more resilient to some illnesses then my father, I'm still going to loose my hair.

P-FUCKS

Earlier this week the United States of America took a giant step forward, bring them closer to truly having equal rights for all men and women. A small minority, after years of long, hard political battling, finally saw there dreams realized and accomplished more for their people then any other time in their history.

Looking back through the eras its hard not to think of other civil rights movements that came before them and those leaders, immortalized forever by their actions, and the collective struggle of their people. 

Names like Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X for their contributions to the American black communities struggle for equality, Oscar Zeta Acosta and his role in the Chicano movement (circumstances of his mysterious, supposed death not withstanding), and Harvey Milk with all his work for the gay community, will have to make some room on the shelve of great historical repute and eminence, because Greg Quinlan and his legion of reformed christian ex-cock suckers are moving on up.

Greg is, of course, the director of PFOX, the Parents and Friends of ExGays and Gays. An organization built around an acronym that makes no sense and the christian fundi belief that enough prayer, therapy, and good old fashion 1950's style guilt can "cure" the affliction and simply chase the devil out of the sinner. 

They won't say from which hole exactly Satan escapes from, but its probably a pretty painful experience. 

Idiotic ideology aside, with the pounding of the gavel a District of Columbia court has declaired ex-gays, or former homosexuals, a totally legitimate, not made up, sexual orientation, and therefor are covered under the D.C. Human Rights Act and there for protected against discrimination. 

I support protection of any group of people. A hate crime can be committed against any member of any race, religion, or sexuality, and there should be law protecting everybody, even the crazy, confused, desperately trying to repair the closet door, "former" homosexuals.

What actually makes an organization like this so dangerous is the effect this philosophy can have during a persons coming out process, especially if they are young. While struggling to accept the reality they are facing, a lot of people, usually men, go through a denial process. They attempt reason with their desires, believing maybe its possible to consciously will heterophila onto themselves.

PFOX and its ilk display misinformation and studies by strictly homo-negitive physicians and the conjecture of religious leaders as unbiased fact. It can all play on a pubescent teenager's already confused mind and create an unrealistic exception of controlling thoughts and feeling at a point in sexual development that no one has control of any aspect of their sexuality.

For a religious person, when the "treatment" inevitably fails, the individual has not only let themselves down, they have failed their god, possibly creating a deeper feeling of isolation from their community and could result in self labelling as a freak, or an abomination, if you read Leviticus that is.

Continually it also can also delay, or possibly halt the parents and relatives of a queer person's, acceptance of their loved ones homosexuality. Placing more strain on an already difficult experience.

The ironic part of the whole recent court fiasco is that Greg Quinlan, and his merry men, actually lost the complaint they filed, accusing the National Education Association, of discrimination for not allowing them to set up a booth at the NEA's annual Expo in 2002. 

They waited three years to file the complaint.

The final decision came down against PFOX, because they weren't denied a booth because they were ex-gays, they were denied a booth because they're anti-gay. Still the organization regards the ruling that they could be discriminated against legally as a victory.

Following their lead, I will continue rue their existence, but view the fact that I live in a different country then these people as a victory. 

Galileo's Telescope: 400 years of peeping

400 years ago today, in the year of 1609 Galileo Galilei, turned his mighty looking glass toward the heavens. His device would challenge the religious establishment of his time, play a key role in the scientific revolution, and change the way human being saw the universe around them forever. It also is allowing me see my neighbor in the shower across the street. 

More people should shave their back hair.

He's been hailed as the "father of modern physics" by famous names from Albert Einstein to Stephen Hawking. Denounced during his life time for arguing scientific ideals contrary to a slightly crazier version of our modern catholic church. Galilei was even tried and even briefly imprisoned by Pope Urban VIII and the inquisition for suggesting ideas, sexily described as being "vehemently suspect of heresy." 

Even after his trial his later works would continued to be banned. It wasn't until a well known Dutch publishing family named Elzevir circumvented the church in order to publish his last known work, that his name was ever seen on printed on page again.

He lived an extraordinary life dedicated to the pursuit of truth, relenting only to avoid torture and possible death. 

We owe this man a great deal of worship, and I would like to take the time to stop and reflect further on the conviction and certitude he poured into his craft. 

I would like to, but I'm far too busy looking through my telescope while masturbating to the woman two buildings down five floors up. This man made peeking through key holes about as necessary as the horse drawn carriage. Now I can gaze upward and admire the heavens or gaze slightly lower into the personal sex lives of any poor fool who had to choose between buying that leather face mask, or blinds for his bedroom.

Despite popularizing Nicolaus Copernicus theory of a heliocentric universe he will always be credited for inventing the essential weapon in the voyeur arsenal. His genius allowed him to scan the surface of the moon and continues to allow lonely astronomy buffs to gaze into the endless universes of the apartment building across the street.

So congratulations Galileo Galilei, happy anniversary. Your superiour intillect allowed you to be credited with the invention of the telescope only one year after Hans Lipperhey applied for a patent on the exact same device in 1608.

Transsexual Worms

It's a brand new blog, with brand new ideas, that looks remarkably similar to all kinds of other blogs, and to start off this thought provoking, opinion altering, visually similar writing project I'm going with hard hitting ground breaking stuff. Which is why I'm making the flagship post of THE DIRTY WORD all about mad scientist Erik Jorgensen and his trans worms.

As science director of the Brain Institute at the University of Utah he and his colleges developed a method that causes the female worms to be attracted to members of the same sex.


While working with a typically hermaphroditic species know as the nematode worm, the study estimated that only one out of five hundred of slimy bastards is actually born totally male, and must seek out a mate, while the rest of the population waits quietly, until the proper nutrients present itself, and then indulges in all the joyful delights of asexual reproduction that we humans will never know.


All worms are born totally blind and have evolved with special sensors in place of their absent optics. The males of the species use pheromone sensors to sniff out their potential romantic prospects and wiggle their way toward their smelly squeeze through the dirt, while the common agamous "female" gender uses those same sensors for detecting food.

What Jorgensen and his team did was change the hermaphrodite worms, who are essentially female with a small sperm reserve stored away somewhere in their little wormy bodies, by flipping "the genetic switches" in their brain cells so that they were mentally males. The laboratory outed annelids then began using the sensors they once used to find food, to find a mate, of the same sex. 

Awesome, isn't it?

Jorgensen hopes that this could be proof of what any mental health professional studying sexuality could of told you ten years ago, that homosexuality is hard wired into the brain, and that no amount of drugs or therapy or praying to white catholic Jesus will make it go away. He is, however, the first to admit that the human mind is infinitely more complicated then a worms (I hope) and warns anyone against reading too deeply into the data and jumping to conclusions.

Major media outlets, who aren't ignoring the story, have dubbed the creation the "lesbian worms" when really, if you consider the basic information as its presented, is wrong. Its plane to see that what Jorgensen has  done is create a race of young, gender confused, angsty, transsexual bugs. A mind, in an incorrect body, is the literal definition of transgendered when applied to human beings and seems to be a more appropriate fit.

The trick, of course, is to not confuse societies simplified labels with complicated facts about an odd, but no doubt interesting, experiment. Hopefully researchers will graduate onto similar studies, with more complicated manner of creature, and unlock deeper secrets in the science of sexuality.

In the mean time we'll all need to work on our gender neutral pronouns before going fishing.