Blowing Yourself Away

You know sometimes you get a funny idea, that you figure couldn't possibly exist outside of a few gifted individuals. Then you decide to Google it and next thing you know you're exposed to the whole wonderful world of autofellatio. 

That's right it's like a blow job, but instead of fucking some kind, generous person's mouth, your fucking your own.

I spent the past hour reading all about it. I could go on to explain how it can be bad for your back, or even break down all the different factors involved. I literally have step by step instructions in front of me right now for bending the spine, making it more flexible, strengthening the muscles and beginners techniques, but I'm not going to talk about any of them. 

They're out there. Go look if you want.

A lot of them are informative, with interesting pictures and personal testimonials showing that you don't need to be a yoga master, though it helps, or have a 2 foot long penis to pull it off, but I don't care. No tips or tricks, or even links here.

Want to know why?

Because I'm pissed that's why. You mean to tell me that with a regular stretching routine I could have been blowing my own brains out since puberty, and no one told me? What the fuck! Do you have any idea how much money people would save if they knew that they didn't have to buy cards on Valentine's Day, cook dinner on birthdays, and purchase alcohol at bars, just to get a little head at the end of the night?

Millions, literally millions.

It's too late now of course. I'm engaged, inflexible, and have spent a small fortune in the pursuits of my youthful sexual exploits. 

So fuck you autofellatists. Fuck you in your jizzim stained pearly white smiles, because if I was 16 and could polish my own trumpet I'd be the happiest kid in the gymnastics class and I'm not going to help educate a whole new generation of you cock suckers.

What I am going to do is go down stairs, take the giant yoga book off the shelf, and when I can finally blow myself I'm going to move to Los Angeles, where that shit is pretty much standard practice.